she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
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