if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
