You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Randomize
