I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Randomize
