We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
