Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
we're so committed to being not committed
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
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