Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize