Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Randomize
