So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
