I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
She needs sedatives and a leash
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
