Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I need to sanitize my soul.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize
