I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
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