I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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