Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize