I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I am midnight drunk by noon
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Randomize
