Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
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