It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
