Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
