that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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