I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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