Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
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