Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
I party with great urgency now.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
