My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
