I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
my poor anus
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Randomize