Whatcha textin bout Willis?
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
