Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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