I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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