you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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