i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Randomize
