My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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