last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Randomize
