He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
