I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
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