Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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