I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Randomize