New low: just hacked my moms facebook
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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