Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Randomize