also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
