Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
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