Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
