someone get that fucking seahorse.
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
