I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
