so that wasnt chicken after all
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
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