3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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