i think my tv is drunk
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
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