Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
