I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
