Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
