the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
