I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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