Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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