so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
