I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
