i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Randomize
