I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Randomize
