Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
