it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
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