That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
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