Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Randomize
