i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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