There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
pop tarts are not kleenex
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
