Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
what day is it and did you see me today?
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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