i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
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