Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
