I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Randomize
