I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Randomize
