I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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