We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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