She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Randomize
