I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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