I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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