Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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